Every pilgrim's journey must come to an end...except for Billy's
Do you love poorly animated Dinosaurs, unnecessarily long revenge schemes, and Werner Herzog’s voice? Since every human being ever just said yes to all 3, let me introduce you to the movie:
That quote is all too accurate. Apparently, there were only like 50 dinosaurs ever and they KEPT RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER. All in horrible animation. About the animation
Those are some of the BEST shots. Everything looks copied and pasted onto static photographs. After the first 5 minutes of being frustrated by this, you learn to love every second of it. And of course Werner Herzog’s majestic German-Morgan-Freeman voice.
The first vignette deals with a tiny little carnivore whose jaws is destroyed by “peaceful” long necked herbivores in his childhood, and is then abandoned as an orphan. He grows up with this deformity, and thus has been given the name
Finally, Fuckeduposaur as an adult stumbles upon the troupe of herbivores who crippled him, and becomes horribly over matched in a fight but manages to rip a tail off of one of them, where we learn that all of the animation budget went to the blood effects because it’s like a fountain.
Then we skip forward a few million years to a shot in a forest of some punk dinosaurs that get eaten by giant toads.
…and then we move on to the next story.
The rest of the vignettes are honestly all kind of the same revenge based plots, but remember that if they’re all the same, THEY’RE ALL ABOUT POORLY ANIMATED DINOSAURS GETTING REVENGE ON ONE ANOTHER WHILE WERNER HERZOG NARRATES I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU NEED IN LIFE PEOPLE. Well luckily there is some more, because if you’ve always wondered what a bracchiosaur would be like if he were high off his ass, good news. So did someone working on Dinotasia!
Let me reiterate: that one on the right, Shroomasaurus, is high off his ass. He is hallucinating and every looks like it’s through a soap screen because he ate mushrooms. And then he fights those two. AND HE WINS. BY FALLING DOWN A HILL REALLY WELL. I guess the movie wanted to be an anti-drug PSA, but ended up doing the exact opposite because apparently if I do shrooms I can fight dinosaurs.
Finally, the last vignette is probably the best, and actually will elicit an emotional response. Like all others, there has to be some revenge, so the first scene is this motherfucker on the left
who shall from this point on be known as BaronSamediOsaur, gets his arm ripped off by another member of his species in front of his mate, and left with facial scars. Fast forward a few years, and the couple has two children who playfully run around the neighborhood, annoying the ankylosaurus old man next door (oldmanjenkinsosaur). Furthermore, the animators decided that from now on the dinosaurs are allowed to graphically shit. Suddenly, this being Dinotasia, the two children are found by the one that ate BaronSamediOsaur’s arm, AND HE DEVOURS THEM!
FUCK THIS DUDE (who also looks like the most obviously evil villain since Darth Vader).
FInally, the couple kills him, but not before he nearly eats his other arm, and cuts his stomach and slashes his face some more. Oh, and they kill him by IMPALING HIM TO DEATH ON A LOG. Then they celebrate by boning.
That’s right people.
They end up having more eggs (and poop more), but all but one egg are of course destroyed because God really hated this particular pair of dinosaurs. To top it off, as soon as he’s born, they flash forward ten years with giant text saying 24 HOURS UNTIL THE ASTEROID HITS.
AND THEN IT DOES JUST THAT.
WERNER HERZOG I USED TO LOVE YOU HOW DID YOU BECOME SO HATEFUL DID A MAN IN A DINOSAUR MASK SCARE YOU AS A KID WHY DO YOU HATE DINOSAURS SO MUCH WHO HURT YOU WERNER HERZOG
This man hates dinosaurs.
So yeah, if you want to see a gritty gangster drama with love, sex, shitting, fucked up jaws, hands being chopped off, drug hallucinations, and plenty of other things I didn’t have time for, watch Dinotasia.
Even if not, still watch Dinotasia.
And just remember, this is under the Documentary section of Netflix.